心理短片 | 爱你就要接受你的一切吗？
2018/7/12 20:30:00 每日意图

    

    

     人们倾向于认为真正的爱，意味着对另一个人百分之百的接纳。当有一个人想要建议我们改变自己，帮助我们成长时，却被视为对爱的背叛。

     我们不愿接受别人给我们的建议，也没有认识到需要改变的领域；其实我们不应该对爱我们的人生气，TA只是想要我们变得更好一点。

    

     Our culture strongly inclines us to the view that genuine love must involve complete acceptance of another person in that good and especially in that somewhat bad science.

     从什么时候起，我们对“真正爱你的人一定会爱你原本的样子，不会要求你改变的!”坚信不疑。我们总是被灌输：最真挚、最深刻的爱一定是爱对方的全部。要爱我的好，更要完全接受我的不好。

    

     In moments of fury with our partners we may be tempted to dismiss their complaints against us with cry ‘just love me as I am.’

     当我们跟伴侣面红耳赤的时候，面对他/她的抱怨，一不留神我们就想以“你爱我就该爱我本来的样子啊!”结束。

    

     But in truth, none of us should want to remain exactly as we are in love and therefore none of us should too strongly want another person to love as opposed to tolerate or simply forgive what is warped within us.

     但事实上，我们任何一个人都不应该一直停在原地，永远不变地保持我们原本的样子。也因此，我们任何一个人都不应该强烈希望我们的爱人一味的容忍或是体谅我们内在的扭曲。

    

     Genuine love might be defined as gently and kindly helping someone to become the best version of themselves. Not accepting themselves precisely as they are.

     真正的爱，应该是小心翼翼地、暖心地帮助我们的爱人成为更好的他/她。而不是一味接受他/她原本的模样。

    

     It isn’t a betrayal of love for someone to try to help us to evolve, to teach us to become better people. In fact, it may be the highest proof of genuine commitment.

     你的爱人试图帮助你进步，想要教你变成更好的人，这不是对你们爱的背叛， 事实上，这也许才是对你最深的承诺。

     Unfortunately, under the sway of a romantic ideology that makes us suspicious of emotional education. Most of us end up being terrible teachers and equally terrible students in relationships.

     遗憾的是，我们受了太多浪漫主义意识形态的影响，让我们对情感教育充满怀疑。我们中的绝大多数人，最后都变成了两性关系里可怕的老师和可怕的学生。

    

     We don’t accept the legitimacy let alone the nobility of others desire to teach us. And we can’t acknowledge areas where we might need to be taught.

     我们根本不接受伴侣想要教我们变得更好这件事是应当的，更别说去认可这其实是种高尚的品德。我们不愿意去承认、去面对我们有需要对方教的地方。

    

     We rebel against the very structure of a lover’s education that would enable criticism to be molded into sensible sounding lessons and to be heard as caring attempts to reject the more troublesome aspects of our personalities.

     忠言逆耳，伴侣的批评，其实可以是合理的谏言、是想帮助我们改掉让我们吃苦的性格缺陷，但在两性关系中，我们往往听不进去。

    

     At the first sign that the other person is adopting a teacherly tone, we tend to assume that we’re being attacked and betrayed. And therefore we close our ears to the instruction reacting with sarcasm and aggression to the teacher.

     一旦我们的伴侣出现要启用教育口吻的征兆，我们就容易感觉被攻击、被“真爱”背叛了。我们不仅自动闭上双耳，还会对伴侣的教育挖苦、攻击。

    

     Our stance is deeply understandable.

     当然，我们的这种立场是非常能被理解的。

     To the mother, everything about her tiny infant is delightful, they wouldn’t change even the smallest thing. Their baby is perfect just as it is. Our idea of love has taken this kind of attitude very much to heart. It’s what we grow up thinking that love is supposed to be like.

     我们对真爱的定义，深入内心对爱的认知是来自我们的母婴时代。对母亲而言，她的小宝贝的一切都是那么美好，母亲不会去改变任何一点。每个母亲眼里自己的小婴儿都是完美的。在这样的环境中长大，我们自然认为真爱就应该是这样。

    

     The suggestion that another person could want us to change grow or improve is taken as an insult to love.

     也因此，我们会认为我们的爱人想要让我们成长、改善就不配称之为“真爱”。

    

     The problem is, the mother never in fact loved us just as we were. She hoped we would keep growing up. And the need to keep growing up is still there.

     但问题是，我们的母亲从来没有希望我们一直是原来的样子，她们希望我们不停成长，而我们也的确需要不停成长。

    

     Our bodies may be fully formed, but our psyches always have some growing up still to do. We should never hold it against our lovers if they don’t love us just as we are. They’re doing something far more generous wanting us to be a little better.

     我们身体会停止生长，但我们的精神世界永无止境。我们永远不应该因为我们的爱人没有一味的爱我们原本的样子而心存芥蒂。有一个想帮助我们变得更棒的爱人才是更幸福的事。

    

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